Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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