OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
