I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize