Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
