We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
