My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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