I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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