I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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