I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
