My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
Randomize
