I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
She's hot, in a Megan Fox with Down's Syndrome kinda way. Like, she'd win Miss Deliverance Pageant
At least she's the hottest one. Oh well, it's all about stats
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Randomize
