he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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