ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
