as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
