Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
this is an emotional support booty call
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
