Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
