Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She has the best kind of daddy issues
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
