Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Randomize
