I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
