I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
