Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize