What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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