he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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