If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
