I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
