I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
