we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
