her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
