I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize