I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
