Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
