Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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