Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
