Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
