dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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