During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
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