meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
