i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Randomize
