Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
