I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
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