come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
