Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Randomize
