i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Randomize
