She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
