Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize