did you wind up at some random place? and do you remember face planting into the fireplace?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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