and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
what is it with giant penises always finding me
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
