shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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