I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Well, it's 24 hours till finals. I need high A's on all of them and I still am not sure where exactly on campus most of my classes took place.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
