I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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