I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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