moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
