i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
