oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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