YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
