true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
My underwear smells like fireworks.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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