She is in my trunk
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
